Dear Mr Capello,
I feel that I have suffered at England's hands for long enough and I now need to voice my concerns.
I understand that you are a distinguished football manager with numerous accolades. I also read that you paid a handsome salary the by FA - one that even eclipses mine. However as a dedicated fan who has followed England through the occasional good times and often bad, I feel you could benefit from some of my advice.
You see, supporting England has become a bit like an unhappy marriage for me. And I am thinking of divorce. The England team have become my disgruntled wife - there are brief flashes of what I once loved (Euro 96), but on the whole I feel bored, frustrated and questioning: "Is this really for me?" What I want from England, Mr Capello, is a mistress. A filthy mistress that sets the pulse racing, that takes risks and isn't afraid to chase a game.
My advice for the pursuit of this mistressesque football comes in the form of common Sunday League cliches:
Be direct - the most frustrating thing about England is the discipline with which we keep the ball. This may sound strange. But the ball just seems to go from side of the pitch to the other, and very rarely near the opposition goal.
That has its place, no doubt. But what I want is for my team to roar out of the blocks and start a game with the intention of scoring three goals in the first ten minutes rather than being careful not to concede one. Please keep the words, "let's keep it tight for the first 20 minutes" out of your team talk, no matter who the opposition. I want the intensity of a mistress not the lethargy of a wife!
Put a foot in - partly to get the ball back, but partly to get the crowd behind you. I don't want anyone getting hurt in football, but I am glad that Paul Scholes never learnt to tackle, I loved watching Paul Ince hit an Italian with the force of rocket and rejoiced over Tony Adams' life saving tackles. If Scott Parker crunches someone in a fair tackle within the first few minutes, 80,000 people at Wembley will cheer. An acceptable bit of filth is often the signal of the exciting things to come.
Play on the break - I'm talking Peter Schmeichal to Ryan Giggs style. Even in the 85th minute yesterday, Joe Hart would take the ball from a corner and then hold on to it whilst everyone got back in position. Theo Walcott and Ashley Young are faster than some of the UK's best Olympians. Launch it to them Joe, and watch them run at their backtracking defenders with the velocity of a speeding bullet. Forget the foreplay, let's get down to business!
A bit of Blackpool - They went down trying to play like Barcelona and their fans went down proud. We've got the two best centre backs in the world, let's trust them and take some risks going forward. Sometimes, we might get caught with our pants down, but at least we'll be having fun in doing so.
I can (dis)honestly say that if England had left the field yesterday, 3-2 losers but had hit the bar seven times in a game that they dominated in a fast and dynamic style, I would feel more satisfied. Settling for draws at Wembley is unacceptable. I was embarrassed when I saw the Swiss fans on the tube coming away from the stadium. Please don't put me in that position again Mr Capello.
One final request, and I think this could be the turning point; please can you pick Michael Owen again? I know he's a bit of a wild card these days, but if there was ever a man who performed for England it was him. Let's give him another chance. He would've finished Bent's chance yesterday in a heart beat.
Please take this as constructive criticism Mr Capello. I genuinely want England to succeed and make the country proud. If you want me to come down and do some work with the lads, then I would certainly consider it for a small fee.
Kind regards,
Andrew Benjamin Webster
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