The internet is back to waste my time

I moved house and didn’t have the internet for a month. Tragic I know. But it actually turned out to be quite liberating. The laptop was packed away, I spoke more to my housemate and even read a book.

But today the internet is back and immediately reminded me of the time wasting journeys I used to make online.

Whilst on-hold waiting to get my wireless network password, I had the pleasure of listening to a catchy number with the line ‘hey soul sister’.

A simple google search brought up that it was a Train song and easily accesible on YouTube. After that the YouTube brain suggested that I might like to listen to a cover of the song. Usually I wouldn’t bother, but YouTube was right, a cover version would be welcome.



From there I went to the cover artist's Facebook page listened to a few more songs and even looked up how to play ‘hey soul sister’ on the guitar. I then blogged about it.

One song. One hour. How I’ve missed you internet

NoTW - My new guilty pleasure

The ‘News of the World’ is amazing. Why didn’t anyone tell me?

Feeling hungover after our house party this morning, I went to get the paper in preparation for a roast and the football. I picked up the Observer as usual.

But my friend suggested we get something else a little more suited to our current state – the NoTW

I have never read a paper so entertaining. I’m now cursing every Sunday I’ve gone
without it. I’ll never make that mistake again.

Great exclusives
The NoTW splashed today with the exclusive, ‘CROUCH BEDS £800 TEEN HOOKER’.

What a great story. It’s clearly the biggest around, which is probably why the editor gave it 5 pages. And at that length it is nothing short of thorough.

There is even a criminal style map, picking out the landmarks of Crouch’s journey with the hooker from club to hotel room along with some rather saucy pictures. I am glad I know where he withdrew the cash to pay her, and even more thankful I know what the cash machine looks like. I was hanging off every word.

Strong stories
Another exclusive in the NoTW today was CUE ACE HIGGINS’ DAUGHTER REVEALS HIS WILD SECRETS. Another great read. I’ll just pick out a couple of my favourite bits:

She tells how he
- HURLED TVs through windows in front off his terrified kids
- POSTED envelopes stuffed with cash through the letterbox to try and win his family back
- THREATENED to have his children kidnapped
- TRIED to marry her off to a billionaire Dubai sheikh

Lauren says “People called him wild, unpredictable and off-the-wall, but to me, he was just my dad.”

Yeah that is strange that people thought that about him? Doesn’t sound like you saw that side of him at all Lauren?!?!?

“I do find it embarrassing that he blew £4 million gambling. But he loved it. And I am happy he did what made him happy.”

Powerful writing
But this is my favourite. On page 16 there was a picture of ‘The Bill’s Louise Lytten in a bikini.

The intro…

COP a load of these Sunhills.

Absolutely genius. I wish I could pen a line like that. I would be a rich man.

It’s not healthy, intelligent or classy but from now on the News of the World is my guilty pleasure.

N.B - pictures take from newsoftheworld.co.uk

Bank crisis number two

I have been done a wrong people. And as Max Clifford and the News of the World are not interested in my woes I am going to out the perpetrator on my blog followed by eleven people – that’ll teach them.

BARCLAYS BANK I deplore you.

I have been without a bank card for nearly six weeks now. Despite ordering a new one on three separate occasions a new card has not arrived despite assurances it was being sent to my address in London.

I have therefore had to withdraw huge sums over the counter and put Emad Nadim out of pocket on several occasions. I’ve even been caught short on a date, which doesn’t put across the rightful impression of me as a man of wealth and taste.

I thought we had an untrustworthy postman at first who I have been trying to catch in the morning. But it turns out I have an untrustworthy bank.

Today I found out, that due to some error in process, Barclays have been continually sending my card to an address I moved out of 8 years ago. Can you believe it? I have spoken to over ten people about this and only today has the real problem emerged. I was so angry.

As I finished my letter of complaint…

“Over the years you have been only been too quick to impose financial penalties for even the smallest of mistakes I have made as a customer. I only wish I could now impose a penalty on you for your mistakes.”

….just waiting for the public backlash now… Kick up a shit storm eleven followers!

Labour's defeat - A blessing in disguise?

I’ve always been jealous of people that got to hate Thatcher. I remember one of my university lecturers opening up his course with a rant about Thatcher reaching its crescendo with him saying he threw a party on the day of her demise. His main gripe with Thatcher was the poll tax, or as he referred to it, a tax on breathing. He didn’t pay in protest.

You see my whole student experience was ruined by a government for whom I had a decent level of affection.

Really I should have been spending my time wearing Che Guevara t-shirts, listening to Rage against the Machine and not paying unfair taxes, just like my lecturer (one year I didn’t pay the TV license, but that wasn’t based on principle so probably doesn’t count).

Instead I was content with New Labour and merrily went about my business funded by, what I considered, a very reasonable student loan agreement. Damn you compliant establishment

Well now is my chance to make up on lost establishment-hating time. And besides Labour being cast into opposition doesn’t have to mean 18 years of hurt as it once did for many a lucky Labour supporting student.

Touching distance
Although most people probably wouldn’t admit it, part of me was quite surprised and even pleased with Labour’s performance in the election. With 258 seats, Labour are still in touching distance of the Tories.

A year ago I was convinced that Labour was heading for a catastrophe to 1997 proportions. Considering the party tried to implode through various coup attempts and cock-ups, they did pretty well considering the length of time they have been in office.

In 1997 the Conservatives knew it would be ten years before they could even start dreaming of power again. The same can definitely not be said for the Labour party. Even Ed Balls kept his seat!

A coalition bound to fail
As has been pointed out numerous times in the media, the Lib Dems and Conservative party have been at opposite ends of the mainstream British political spectrum for years. With opposite views on Europe, electoral reform and defence I can’t see how the government can sustain itself effectively for five years.

An interesting story in the Guardian today talked about how the communications machine alone is now going to be twice the size with its job to ensure that with each government announcement two sets of people with quite different political beliefs are satisfied.

This also leaves the space for there to be one mainstream opposition party instead of two, giving the Labour party a monopoly on the 'alternative option'.

Re-alignment of the one remaining progressive party
David Miliband is already chucking around this ‘Next Labour’ idea. Fair enough it needs a bit or work, but that’s the spirit Dave, let’s take a new approach and replace some of those old tired faces. A successful political party is as much about how it makes people feel as it is about substance, so some new vibrancy will go a long way to regaining favour with the public.

Here are a few ideas I would like to throw into the pot (based on a trusty thesaurus)…

Newer Labour
Fresh Labour
Contemporary Labour
Brand new Labour
Spanking Labour
Pristine Labour
In mint condition Labour

And my favourite three:
Newborn Labour
Enlightened Labour
Avant-garde Labour

Ed, if you’re reading, then they’re yours.

People voted for change as they inevitably will after 13 years of the same tired faces. But the change they have chosen doesn’t have to last for long. Here is to Spanking Labour – ready to govern within two years.

Panic at the polling station

I am in turmoil. Which way do I vote? I know who I want to win, but I also know who I don’t want to win. This funny old election system means that my heart felt cross could well be wasted in my marginal constituency. I haven’t waited five years to waste my cross.

Listening to my head

I wrote essays at school about tactical voting, but never thought it really existed. Now, if I can square it with my conscience, I might actually vote tactically. The trouble is I don’t know who to trust.

The Daily Mirror has told me today that my constituency is a three-way marginal. A 1.08% swing will see it go to the Tories whilst a 1.37% swing for the Lib Dems will see them take it. I should therefore, according to their advice, vote Labour to withstand the onslaught.

But this is based on figures that are five years old. The Guardian on Saturday told me to vote tactically to stop the Tories and to do this I should vote Lib Dem to keep them out. Based on the polls, there has been a 10% decrease in the support for Labour nationally since 2005 which indicates not such a pretty picture for their 2010 chances in my constituency.

What is more the Lib Dem candidate in my area has put a note through the door (seemingly hand written but identical to the other five that came through the door) telling me it is between them and the Tories. In it he cites the recent council elections which saw Labour poll 10% of the popular vote. In case people like me are a bit slow on the uptake, he has written ‘they can’t win here’ next to the figure.

Following my heart

Voting tactically will mean going against my heart but at least I will be contributing to the outcome I want. But if I do vote tactically, say I have got it wrong and the difference between my preferred candidate winning and not winning is me? I’m not sure I could live with that. Maybe I should just follow Tony’s advice and vote for who I support. Turmoil.

Newspapers at weekends, newspapers are my weekend

I have been reading the Sunday paper for 1:40 minutes now. I am still not past the main section and all I can think about is getting my moneys worth.

It’s the same predicament I find myself in every Saturday and Sunday. There aren’t many things that make me happier than the newspaper. But at £2 it is a commitment that takes time and effort to deliver on, and if I don’t deliver on that commitment I am overtaken by guilt.

The truth is I rarely get to the magazines. For weeks on end they are chucked in the recycling bin still with their plastic films on and still carrying their special offers. I know there is great stuff in there, but I just can’t take it all in. I'm sorry.

I have come to the conclusion that it is irresponsible to buy the Sunday paper just for yourself. It is something that needs to be shared, much like a KFC bargain bucket.

Otherwise you are in an impossible situation. There are things I need to do now, I have given two hours of my time to the newspaper today and two hours yesterday, but I still feel it hasn’t had enough of my attention.

And I know it is not just me who gets a little overwhelmed. The other day on the tube, I saw someone reading a weekend supplement on a Wednesday. A Wednesday!

What I am saying, with no thought on the sustainability of the newspaper industry is, do the Sunday papers need to be so big and expensive?

Just for a week, let me try a £1 newspaper with £1’s worth of content. Then maybe I can get some sleep at night.

Where to dump a broken TV?

When you’ve had a bad week, and rest assured that mine has been bad, what you really need is a genius to come out of an unexpected place to show you the brighter side of life – humour.

And that’s exactly what happened last night when Emad and I were contemplating on what to do with our broken 31 inch TV.

We found a forum posing the question: “Where do I dump my broken TV? Garbage bin? I don't want to harm environment.”

It summed up our predicament accurately and succinctly we thought.

Scrolling down we found the advice we were looking for:

"we've got a canal near us.

i dump stuff in there.

it's already full of things, so i figure it can't hurt any if i dump my rubbish in it - i have to get rid of it!

they have recycling in my area now and it sucks i have to sort out all my rubbish. i don't like that - it's messy.

so i get in my car and take my rubbish to the canal. what's good about that is that the canal washes it downstream so i don need to worry about it when its gone

the enviroment will do fine i think. it has been going for a million years or something like that so i figure it can go on a bit longer

so yeah i would take the tv down to your river near your house and just chuck it in - maybe someone will find it and use spare parts to fix their tv, so its a win win thing

you can always burn it with some petrol and melt it down till its small enuff to fit in your bin. that way you could recycle it really which is good i think"

bb_Matt

Brilliant – I believe they call it holding a mirror up to the world!

P.S To clarify, our TV won't be going in the river.